Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
