I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
