just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
