my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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