Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
