The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
