Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
