turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
