I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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