i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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