I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
