As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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