I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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