I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
