arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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