Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
