Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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