Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
