Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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