there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
