The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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