Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
