Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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