I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
