I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
