one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
