she was so not down for the gang bang
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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