No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
