Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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