Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
