my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
