oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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