one might say we're banned from that church
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
