Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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