I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
