He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
