Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we made out on top of his cat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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