just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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