well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
