i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
