My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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