If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
