I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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