My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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