you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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