i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
