for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Operation Purity has been aborted
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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