I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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