my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
