does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
