I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
