My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
